This site does not represent the views of

Bear with us while we get this organized. This site does not represent the views of Send submissions to Send tips to if they are not posted there, wait a while & send them to Take care, Stay Awesome.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Characters I Hate In Movies I Love: Jurassic Park

(In this feature I will discuss characters I can't stand - justifiably or not - in classic or personal favorite movies. Mostly these aren't the characters you're supposed to hate, like villains or romantic rivals, but rather characters that offend me personally.)

Jurassic Park is in my top three movies of all time. It's perfect. I don't care if you hate it, or are sick of it, or think the science is wrong, or have any sort of bullshit hangup about it. It is a perfect movie. Those dinosaur robots and/or cartoons are perfect. Mr. DNA's pronunciation of "dah-noh-sawers" is perfect. Everything in this movie is perfect except for one thing: Lex Murphy. SHUT UP, LEXI! This bitch.

Now, this one might be a little controversial. I know when most monster-men were young, she was some sort of crush object. I get it - she's spunky, adventurous, cute - but I completely disagree. I thought that I would watch the movie again to see if I would like her any more now, but that's not necessary. I've seen this movie 100000 times and hated her every single time, so I doubt my opinion will change. What's the reason for my hatred of a little girl in a movie about cloned dah-noh-sawers? The noise. She is constantly making the most irritating noises. She almost gets them all killed by the T. Rex because she can't follow directions. She's lucky that Tyrannosaurs are apparently way more motivated to kill by the smell of shit in a straw outhouse than by an irritating little girl's screams.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's the fact that I live in a town sometimes overrun with overexcited sorority sisters, but honestly. Just shut up. Shut up for one minute and maybe try not to get everyone killed. If you must scream (I do realize it's scary), scream in a lower pitch at least. Piss yourself like your brother. He was cool. That dude got trapped under a car in a tree that was collapsing and he was cool. Take notes. Pay attention. Maybe don't ever ride a roller coaster because you will make everyone else on that roller coaster explode like some sort of militarized audio assault weapon.


  1. standingovation.gif

    While I may disagree, I wholeheartedly enjoyed this piece.

  2. I was 15 when this movie came out, so my attention was on Lex so much as sweet, sweet, sweet Laura Dern. Scooping up Triceratops poop in those short, shorts. When Sam Jackson said "Hold on to your butts." My thought was "My own or Laura's." MMmmmmmm.

    Oh, sorry. Lex. Horrible.

  3. I've always maintained that Jurassic Park is the most rewatchable movie. Perfect length, perfect pacing. Perfect dinosawers.

  4. Man did I have a thing for this girl. And how 'bout when the lawyer got eated by the T-Rex??? HAHAHAHAHA...fuckin lawyers.

  5. SG, I have always hated her too! Agree 100% with the sentiments of this post.