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Monday, February 7, 2011

I'd Literally Hit That: Chloe Sevigny

Hello all you circus animals, it's time again for everyone's favorite post:
So, as you might already know, Monster contributor This Is My Nightmare has a regular column called "I'd Hit That" in which she describes in horrific detail the myriad ways in which she would like to Hall Pass Louis Anderson while The Narrator is at the library. My posts are similar in nature, but instead of "hit" being a euphemism for "debauch," I am using the word literally to mean "punch." So, who am I likely to hit this week? This thing:

This is what is known in certain circles as a "Chloe Sevigny." "But, teacherman," you exclaim through a mouthful of malt liquor and Hot Fries, "She's a woman! You can't hit a woman!!!" Ah, let's take a closer look.
BOOM! That's a dick. Ergo, ipso facto, Richard Grieco, I'm hitting it. But, other than her having a monster bulge, why would I want to hit Chloe Sevigny. Let's just take a stroll over to the ol' IMDB, shall we?
HAHAHAHA...phew boy. This list reads like my execution. I mean, don't get me wrong, there are some great movies here (Boys Don't Cry, American Psycho), but also, relax Chloe Sevigny. No one actress should have all that "challenging roles." Kids AND Gummo AND Brown Bunny??? Yeesh, leave something for Juliette Lewis. Oh, and apparently she turned down Selma Blair's role in Legally Blond to participate in that cinema classic Demonlover. AWESOME CHOICE! I mean, Legally Blond was okay I guess if you're into movies without graphic depictions of sexual congress or anti-social alienated youth in Midwestern America. It's no Demonlover.
But what does Ms. Sevigny think of her own waking nightmares work?
Asked about the controversy surrounding Kids, she defended it saying, "Young people love that movie. It's been stolen from every Blockbuster in America." Sure, larceny -- the mark of a quality film. Discussing Brown Bunny, Sevigny was even more adamant in her vindication: "When you see the film, it make more sense. It's an art film. It should be playing in museums. It's like an Andy Warhol movie." Hey, no argument here. I say the more unsimulated fellatio we can put in museums, the better. Ask anyone! I'm always saying, "you know what, this Van Gogh is passable, but it could have really used more brain."
And that brings us to Big Love where she currently plays the bitchular role of Nichole Grant, the conniving, succubus daughter of a cult leader and second wife to her polygamist husband, played to derp-derp perfection by the miraculous Bill Paxton. Look, this show is a hot fucking mess, but it is an imminently watchable hot fucking mess and Chloe Sevingy is, admittedly, one of the best things in it. She is 100% believable as a migraine-machine, so believable in fact, that one begins to wonder to what degree she is indeed "acting." There is a Twilight Zone episode where a really good ventriloquist retreats to his dressing room, removes the puppet (excuse me, "figure") from his hand to reveal, you guessed it, a talking-partial-abortion where the guy's hand should be. Maybe Chloe Sevigny is the same? Maybe she's not acting like a chimera, because she actually one? How's your mind? Blown?
So, that's that. To review, Chloe Sevigny has a penis, she makes "complicated" (read: "oppressive") films, and she is a dementor. For those reasons, I would literally hit Chloe Sevigny. Thank you for your time.


  1. You pose for one goddamn underwear ad and then the picture gets posted everywhere with no residuals. Bad career decision, FLW. Bad career decision.

  2. I don't care what she's packing, i'd still hit it.

  3. Teach, these are priceless. Bitchular role. ah ha ha hahhaahahhahahahHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

  4. Thanks PSS. Can't wait for your post on Friday!

  5. OMG! This was fucking fantastic, Teach...Wait. Is it ok to backslap here?