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Wednesday, February 9, 2011

MTT: It's Spelled "Bird Squiggle Hand Bird", Friend

(click photos to enlarge)

Ok, here is the thing. When I started this little segment I had no idea what I would write about. As far as I knew, the only history a MOBFD monster ever effected was a browser's. All I knew was that I have a time machine in my garage, I never use it, and I had done this pretty cool mash up of me on the machine in the "Welcome to Hill Valley" sign from Back to the Future. So what did I decide to do? Get drunk, watch the History channel, report. Needless to say, my plan worked perfectly.

It was 38 straight hours of wine coolers and HC. I used commercials for maintenance and eating. I slept during shows about the Victorian era because fucking shoot me. Something went wrong during an hour long nap during an episode of Fashion in 1842. An hour of sleep turned into five. I woke up in a haze. Flickering on the screen while a narrator prattled on about mummification was a picture of the Egyptian god Anubis. My eyes stung, my vision was blurry, but I caught something. My hands scrambled across the coffee table clutching at the remote. I hit pause on the DVR and crept toward the image glowing across my face.

Look familiar? The snout, the mane, the bow tie. It couldn't be, could it? The similarities were too great. I grabbed a couple sharpies from my desk drawer and proceeded to permanently damage my 32" Samsung.

"Bam, I haven't drawn an asshole that quickly since Breakfast of Champions" I exclaimed. (Looking back, I wonder now what exactly my character is supposed to be. Like, I'm not actually pretending to be Vonnegut....I mean for god sakes my avatar's name is from Fight Club and I used to have a picture of Gob Bluth as my image so that joke doesn't even make sense)
It was Steve Winwood alright. I would recognize that dick bag anywhere. I had to find out why the Egyptians had depicted SW in their writings and artwork. Was he really a god like archeologist have claimed for so many centuries? I mean a True EGOT is one thing, but deity status? That would be some serious horseshit. Also, a Time Traveler License requires a minimum of a bachelor degree in library sciences and a annual fee of $5600 so either Dave from Fluxie's Discount Time Machines is a fucking liar or Winwood is a timeless being.

On a side note, Dave, if you happen to read this: TONE DOWN THE SALES PRESSURE! I know you have a lot full of Delorean's for half price but I do not know how many fucking times I had to tell you that I live in a cul de sac and it is nearly impossible to find a stretch of road to get that hunk of DMC shitgineering up to 88mph. Some of us prefer surfing the 4th dimension from the comfort of our living rooms, asshole. Plus, the Wells HG3000 is more fuel efficient and you get a tax break.

Anyway, I grabbed my keys to the ol' 3k, topped off the fuel tank with stem cells, and set the time target to 2560BC. I sprung for the new front seat DVD player so after a delightful episode of Extras (the one with Patrick good) I arrived in Spring, TX circa 2560B.C. A hop, skip, and a 36 hours of personal air travel later I arrived in Egypt. Floating at the base of Giza, I looked down upon the unsuspecting citizens of what I liked to call Sandville. I forgot to mention that when you travel through time you are invisible and you can't affect anything. Well, that isn't exactly true but I can't afford a Class H license and I get test anxiety. Leave me alone.

A parade was happening. It looked pretty cool. Cool for some. Not so cool for the slaves that were playing the part of float tractors. Lots of whipping, not much candy being thrown. They did have Shiners but they didn't have the tiny cars. I will say this, when you only have one float you need to make it the greatest float ever. I would have to say that a 2000 pound gold panther is a pretty bad ass float. I flew the 3k a little closer to the Panther.

On the back of the float, performing for the non-being-whipped was our very own Steve Winwood. His performance was astounding, drawing a mix of laughter and groans from the rich and opulent. Those that were groaning from the lifting and the getting whipped even stopped for a small second to laugh at the tasteless jokes of this wolf creature. They were severally beaten for their misguided attempt at humanity. One offensive joke after another kept the crowds in stitches. The Egyptian royalty, while offended by this monster's take on abortion and name calling, were enthralled by his playful catchphrases: "Psyche!" "I don't give a care, friend" and "She's pretty".
The most enchanting thing was that his most offensive or misogynist material he would save for the puppet on his hand to say. "Hilarious!" cried the crowds (I think, I don't speak Egyptian)

At the end of his set, the slaves who were not yet dead were forced to carry Steve Winwood on their shoulders back to the pyramids to the cheers and laughter of the royals. It was then I understood. Winwood was a god. But a god to people that were entertained by puppet comedy. So there's that.

Can I go home now?

So what did we learn?

1. Egyptians are shitty at drawing things.

2. The things in his hand in the stone drawing were likely bad puppets. "Hey look at this curved dick. This thing has three dangling dicks."

3. Don't trust Dave from Fluxie's

So there it is. Anubis was Steve Winwood. Son of Ra, keeper of the dead, abortion joke enthusiast, and Videogum spellchecker Steve Winwood.


Tune in to our next episode to find out if Bonnie & Clyde were criminal superstars or just scene-stealing patsies.


  1. This was better than I dreamed possible. And, given that the author was Papes, you'd better believe my dreams for its greatness were jumbo-sized. Bravo!

  2. Pretty much as I suspected: Steve Winwood is going to be passive aggressively joking about me in the afterlife.

  3. If you do not think this is the best thing ever, you must be in denial...



  4. ...sorry, I have not been this happy in a long time.

  5. You monsters are far too kind. Bonus points if you found me in the Egypt picture. wheres papes?

  6. Papes is in the top left corner, chillin' on some kind of mound.

    Also, this is one of the most incredible things ever!

  7. New favourite segment. Sorry Lawblog!