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Sunday, January 30, 2011

I'd Literally Hit That: Brad Pitt

So I don't know if you guys are aware of ThisIsMyNightmare's ongoing series of posts entitled "I'd Hit That," but basically look down. Not surprisingly, because she is a very loud, very sexually adventurous woman, the posts are basically a chronicle of all of the male celebrities she'd like to put it to, adultery-style. There's one on Ryan Goseling and Jason Schwartzman and Vlade Divac, I think, and maybe Abe Vigoda. I dunno, I can't remember them all. Who do you think I am, MONK???

Not pictured: Me
So, to honor her memory, I have decided to start my own spin-off series of my own entitled "I'd Literally Hit That." If you recall from reading about it 30 seconds ago, Nightmare's thread uses the term "hit" as a euphemism for "unspeakable sex acts." In my posts though, the term "hit" will actually mean, "punch in the face." The first "I'd Literally Hit That" is dedicated to Brad Pitt.
Now, before I explain my reasons for wanting to haymaker Brad Pitt in public, let me first offer this disclaimer. I do not hate Brad Pitt. I don't even dislike him. It would be safe, even, to say that I like Brad Pitt. "Teacherman, you love Brad Pitt!" Who said that? Well, Anonymous, you are probably correct. I am in love with Brad Pitt and I would probably make out with him a little bit if given the opportunity. But then, what's not to love? I mean, look at this guy! Hello!
He's pretty great! I mean, his face is impossible and after I saw Fight Club I wanted to do sit-ups until I died. And he picks good projects and he is a pretty serviceable actor and he builds houses for Katrina victims and wears awesome sunglasses and, in interviews, he seems like a dude.
So why do I want to punch Brad Pitt in his beautiful face? I will tell you why. Because
This is Jennifer Aniston. Now, I realize you probably do not know her and have never seen a picture of her before in you life much less would you be able to put your finger on the name of her haircut, but believe it or not, she was kind of a big deal there for about 10 years. She and Brad Pitt were a couple, they even got married, and there was talk of children who would eventually grow up to be The Great Redeemers, beautiful sun-people who could unite all people with a simple WIIIIINK. Unfortunately for humanity/the future/life, this happened:
This is Angelina Jolie and she is a straight-up soap opera villain. In 2005, while shooting Mr. and Mrs. Barf, Brad broke up with Jennifer Aniston to court and eventually marry Frau Jolie. In so doing, he doomed us all.
"But, teacherman," you plead in your gravel voice made rough by years of chain-smoking and screaming at children, "she is a humanitarian. She is a goodwill ambassador to so many impoverished nations. And she was great in Girl, Interrupted!" To you I say, I don't care. I don't care that she started an organization that provides free legal-aid to asylum-seeking children with no legal representation or that she has literally given millions of dollars to UNICEF and Doctors Without Borders. She is a brittle scorpion woman, and no one will convince me otherwise.
At least with Madame Crypt Keeper you know what you're getting into though. Brad Pitt was supposed to be better. He was supposed to be great-looking and funny and altruistic and married to this:
But no. He had to go off and get hitched to a woman who looks like someone put Steven Tyler's face on a hatrack. Fine, Brad Pitt. You want to sentence us all to a world without love? Fine. But just know that if I see you I will literally hit you. After telling you how much I liked you in A River Runs through It of course.


  1. Teach this was very very funny but, for the record, my voice is gravely because of years of chain-smoking and screaming at puppies not children.

  2. I am loving all of these latest posts so much that I want to become a Mormon fundamentalist and marry them all. I'm trying so hard* to think of a fun post about something scienterrific to add to the mix. You've been warned!

    *TWSS, and I'm actually not thinking much about it thanks to other life crap taking up my brainspace.

  3. This sums up Jennifer Anniston's career trajectory pretty well.