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Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Frank's Ranks: Friends for Dinner

Lawblog's post on things he'd spit (Hi, Lawblog) got me thinking about the lists I routinely make up to entertain me as I toil through this waking life. Thought maybe I'd start sharing them on a regular basis.
Please to enjoy, Frank's Ranks

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The Order in Which I Would Eat The Cast of Friends If We Were All Stuck On A Desert Island and Ran Out of Food:
  1. David Schwimmer -- Listen, the whole eating another person thing is kind of a taboo, but I think I could break the ice with the rest of the group by making a joke like "Who's ready for another serving of Ross Sauce?"Ha ha! See, not so bad. Plus, he seems to be the biggest real life jerk out of all of them. Not funny, kinda homely, a good amount of meat on his bones. Excellent #1.
  2. Jennifer Aniston -- After a few weeks of hearing about her bad break ups and what a good friend Chelsea Handler is and what a doll Adam Sandler is to work with, I think most of the group would start looking at her like a giant anthropomorphic fried chicken leg to both drown her out and assuage their thoughts of hunger. Already killed and ate Ross. In for a penny, in for a pound.
  3. Courteney Cox -- For some reason I think she'd be kind of cool to hang out with, but the fact that she's the eldest one in the group and also not very meaty makes me think that she wouldn't last to the end. Kind of a mercy killing and her death would serve the greater good. Plus, after that long, I couldn't hold in any more "Cox" jokes. Best we end as friends than die offended.
  4. Matthew Perry -- I figure the loss of Courteney would bring the group down, so a "Could he BE any tastier?" joke would probably serve the group well at this point.
  5. Matt Le Blanc -- He seems pretty fit and I wouldn't want to try and take him out by myself at the end. Plus, no man who made both Ed and Lost in Space deserves to make it to the end. Them's the rules, Matt.
  6. Lisa Kudrow -- By process of elimination, we're left with Lisa and I think by this time we'd have some sort of unspoke bond between us, forged by the trials and tribulations of island living and the horrors we've endured by systematically killing and eating her colleagues over the past year. Because of this blood bond, I'd like to think that I would die chivalrously and give my life to save hers. But let's be honest, I'd serve up a cold coconut shell to the dome while she slept because Emily Post ain't taking no longboat out to the island to check up on cannibal etiquette.
And now I put it to you monsters, who would you eat first? Same order or different? Is Gunther there in your scenario? How about Janice (you know she'd be first)? Is there a tastier TV cast you'd eat? Let me know in the comments.


  1. My favorite Friends quote ever is from Joey & Janice's Day of Fun. After that day of suffering Joey says to Chandler: "Every time she starts laughing, I just wanna pull my arm off just so that I can have something to throw at her." There's a relevant point about cannibalism in there somewhere. I think. I'll leave it at that.

  2. I'd eat the cast of Cheers, but I'd mostly feed Sam, Diane, Carla and Woody to Norm, Cliff, Frazier and Rebecca to fatten them up (some more). After that, it would be Rebecca, Cliff, Frazier and finally Norm, because I have a suspicion that he'd be the most fun to hang out with and the delicious.

  3. Order in which I would eat the casts of the early to mid-nineties Must See TV:

    1. ER - I wouldn't even eat most of them. I would just shoot them as soon as they got to the island so I wouldn't have to hang out with them. Except George Clooney. I'd save him for boning later.

    2. Mad About You - All of them, Including the dog

    3. Friends - Your order seems fine

    4. Seinfeld - Starting and ending with Newman

    5. Frasier - All of them except the dog

  4. I support both this column and the order of friends eaten.

  5. make some pretty solid arguments here. I think, though, that I'd eat Matt LeBlanc first. He seems pretty stupid, and he's kind of fat now, I think, so good eating. Then I'd eat Jennifer Aniston, because ugh I am so sick of her already even though we've only been on this island for a few weeks. Then Matthew Perry, because he's starting to become a whiny douchebag. Courtney Cox is next, but then I have to kill Lisa Kudrow soon after because Courtney is as bony as a pickerel. Then, lastly, David Schwimmer, but only after we bang one last time.