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Thursday, February 3, 2011

I'd Literally Hit That: Jon Hamm

Hello, children. It's me, teacherman, and it's time once again for everyone's favorite game:
So, here's how we play. As you may be aware, Mrs. Nightmare currently has a thread entitled "I'd Hit That" in which she outlines in graphic detail the many ways in which she longs to have extra-marital coitus with such celebrities as William "The Refrigerator" Perry and Eugene Levy. My posts are similar in nature in that they discuss celebrities I would like to hit -- the only difference is, instead "hit" being a euphemism for "rawdog," I am using the term literally. TWIST!
Okay, so this week's installment is dedicated to Jon Hamm. First thing's first: please lower your weapons. I get it, all right! The guy is handsome. Like garment-rending, teeth-gnashing, keening-on-the-shores-of-the-Aran-Islands handsome. Just look at this fucking guy:
WOWEEWOWOWOW! Some dish, am I right ladies/gay men/straight men? I mean this guy is the Michael Jordan of eye-fucking. He is the mayor of Handsome Town, population 1: Jon Hamm. And it's not just that he is handsome. OH NO! He's a good actor too. And funny! I mean, Jon Hamm is the kind of actor that can steal any on-screen moment without even saying a word. Have you ever been watching Mad Men and Pete is talking some bullshit, but you know it's important bullshit because he is pulling his best I-may-have-teminal-bitchface-but-this-is-also-important-face but still you can't stop looking at Jon Hamm and wondering what his living room smells like and what kind of books he owns and whether he has Netflix, but then no he probably reads a lot because he looks like the kind of guy who would read stretched out on the couch with a dog curled up at his feet, and then you look around and notice that the show is over, your wife has gone to bed and you're not wearing any pants? You know that feeling? Sure you do. ALL OF US DO! "So, what's the problem, teacherman?" you ask. "Also, ZZZZZZZZ!!!!" Fair enough. I will tell you the problem.
The problem is this:
So, yeah, he still looks ludicrous and I want to get a face transplant just looking at him, but a beard? Really? You gonna start a lo-fi indie band there, Jon? And what's with the picture in the middle? Fish stick, anyone?
But okay. The guy has the right to change his look from time to time. I mean, who am I to say that he shouldn't try out a beard or some new clothes or a new haircu--
Woof. Pass the dutchie already. Guy looks like a 40-year-old version of one of my prep students. Take out your book, Jon! What's that, you left it in your locker? Why am I NOT SURPRISED?
Of course, he still looks fine, but let's not forget:
Putting some scruff and shaggy hair on this is like looking at the Mona Lisa and saying, "Yeah, not bad, but you know what would be better? A little Calvin pissing on the Venus De Milo in the corner, there." It simply isn't done.
So that is why if I ever saw Jon Hamm in public looking like anything other than Cary Grant's handsome angel brother, I will literally hit him. And by that I mean I will stick a fork in my arm so I can say that Jon Hamm drove me to the hospital.


  1. Jon Hamm is so cool that no matter what he's in, I refer to him as "Don Draper."

    Me and Ms. Lloyd Wrong were watching The Town this weekend and I kept going. "Oh shit. You just pissed of Don Draper. Here comes Don Draper with a shot gun."

    I only do this with one other person, Bruce Willis, whom I refer to as "Die Hard."

    Lord help me if they're ever in the same movie.

    "Don Draper and Die Hard are about to bust some skulls, they don't care what rules they break."

  2. I kind of like Jon Hamm with a beard.

    What he really needs to work on is not smiling - ever. That shit is just goofy.

  3. If you ever hit Jon Hamm in the face I will cut both your hands off. BOOM 30 ROCK REFERENCE.

  4. If only I could pull off the sexy fish stick spokesman look.

  5. oh man, that was really good.
    "fishstick, anyone?" is the new "have fun at dinner"

  6. I'll bet Jon Hamm is self-conscious about his good looks and uses the beard and scruffy hair to try and hide them. Because he's so smart and humble and dreamy....sigh.

  7. Mtns, you are right. He uses the beard to throw me off his scent. Nice try, Jon! It's not working. I'm gonna do you!