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Sunday, January 30, 2011

Brad Pitt: Literal Lady-and sometimes Man- Killer

Teacherman's "I'd Literally Hit That" got me thinking: It sucks to date Brad Pitt- in the movies at least.
*Movie spoilers galore*
Let’s start with his breakout role Thelma & Louise, (sorry 21 Jumpstreet Brad) Like most criminals, Brad starts out with small crimes
Sure he’s sexy and Geena Davis had a gooood time, but then he robs her while she recovers from her sex-stupor
How much was that orgasm Thelma (or is it Louise)?
Moving on to Kalifornia. Who would think dating a serial killer could possibly end with him killing you?
Juliette Lewis certainly didn’t think about this

Legends of the Falls: Our first Double WHAMMY
Who wouldn’t fall for this guy?

Hello, Handsome
Greater sex appeal just means higher body count:
Interview with the Vampire: same year as Legends of the Falls, so maybe the horror will be less? THINK AGAIN! It's a total shit show for every person who loves or crushes on Brad’s Louis

1. Burned alive 2. Turns green from eating too many frogs and is almost killed a dozen times 3. Love affair ends in mass vampire murder
Seven, finally a character who isn’t a criminal (he smuggles bootlegged liquor & kills a bunch of dudes in Legends.) Even better he’s a cop! What could go wrong?

Worst present ever
Oh…. Um never mind. What’s worse, did John Doe kills his dogs too? It’s not even safe to be his pet.
This post would be ridiculously long if I continued with descriptions of each movie, so…
Speed Round:
"Hey babe, I'm Death. First, I'm going to to sex you up, after you'll reconcile with your dad. We'll fall in love, then I'll kill him. Now pucker up"

"I'm really crazy and you've been having sex with Ed Norton."
"Hunny, that was great, but me & this army are going to murder your whole family & the rest of the city. BRB"
"As a Europol Detective, our relationship is going to FUCK your job ethics."
"VACA to Morrocoo! What could go wrong? Hey sweet-cheeks, that bullet hole in the neck is getting blood on my cargo pants"
Daisy: “We met when I was a child & you were old. I’m old now and I have to take of this baby who use to bring me to orgasm. This is so twisted.”
Brad Pitt: He may be pretty, but you're probably going to have your head mailed to Morgan Freeman in the end.
**Even Kevin Bacon’s character dies in Sleepers, but seeing as he molested a bunch of kids including Brad’s character, I’m just going to let this one slide as he had it coming.

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