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Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Gums of Our Lives: Episode 10

Previously, on Gums of Our Lives:
“That’s what she said!” “Who ARE you?” What happened?” “WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US?????” “I work alone.” “Is it permanent, Dr. Doctor Girlfriend?” “Shut up.” “Oh, dear. This is a spot of bother.” “NOW!”
Before we continue with the story, it is necessary to explain a few things about the Winbot, and, in turn, his creator. When creating an artificial intelligence, one can program certain abilities to aid in its performance of its dedicated task. However, due to the aforementioned intelligence, the created often is able to learn new skills and abilities that its creator had never intended. In the case of the Winbot, he is actually quite skilled in many respects that The Narrator never envisioned. He is adept at pointing out hypocrisy. He has a preternatural ability to find racism and denounce it. His aesthetic sense, in particular, is more finely tuned than The Narrator could have dreamed. However, there are many basic skills that the Winbot never acquired by virtue of being created in a laboratory. One of those skills yet acquired is that of predicting human behavior. In the mind — if you can call it that — of the Winbot, humans behave in a very specific pattern. There is no concept of motivation behind their actions, other than basic wants: food, sleep, pretty girls, pogs. That is why, when he went to open the van doors, he was not prepared for the force generated by the kicking Briadru4 and Thisismynightmare.
The Winbot stumbled backwards, question marks flashing on his chest, as the two young women leapt out of the van. They stumbled on the gravel but quickly regained their footing.
“Quickly! This way!” Briadru4 shouted, grabbing Thisismynightmare’s arm and pulling her into the woods.
“Where are we going?” Thisismynightmare panted, out of breath.
“It doesn’t matter. Just away from here.”

They plunged deeper and deeper into the forest, glancing quickly behind them to see if they were being pursued. After what seemed like hours, they finally stopped behind a large oak tree. Exhausted, dirty, and enbrambled, they sunk to the ground, their backs resting against the trunk.
“Do you think he’s following us?” Thisismynightmare asked, looking back.
“I don’t think so.” Briadru4 responded, gasping for air. “I also don’t think it’s a he. More like an it.”
“Yeah. I was afraid of that.”
“Why? Do you know what it is?” Briadru4 demanded.
“No… At least, I don’t think so.” Thisismynightmare wiped her forehead. “I don’t know. I’m afraid it has something to do with my husband.”
“Because you ran away?” “Maybe. I don’t know.” She began to cry. “I’m sorry, ok? I’m sorry I got you into this. I’m sorry I was so selfish. I didn’t know!”
Briadru4 grabbed Thisismynightmare and pulled her close.
“You listen to me, ok? You are not being selfish. The Narrator is a horrible man doing horrible things, and it was about time that you did something about it. We’re the Super Exclusive Best Friends Exclusive club. We’re there for each other no matter what. If that means getting lost in the woods while being chased by a psychotic robot possibly designed by the husband you ran away from, so be it. So if you don’t like it?…”
“… Y’all butthurt.” Thisismynightmare finished, wiping her eyes and smiling.
“That’s right. Now let’s get up and try to find some shelter. It’ll be getting dark soon.”
As they stood up, Briadru4 contined. “Now, if I remember my Bear Grylls correctly, we came from the east, which means the road was travelling north to south. I say if we head southeast we’ll probably hit the road again. What say you?”
“Sounds good to me, super exclusive best friend.”
With that, they continued through the woods, whistling a jaunty tune, blissfully unaware that they were being watched.
After a day in the waiting room, BabyFriday was going a bit stir-crazy. The Kelburrows had dutifully stayed by her side through the ordeal, lifting things that needed to be lifted and going on runs for chocolate pie. They had gone through both the normal and advanced Sudoku books, and were desperate for things to do.
“Oh look,” BabyFriday remarked, looking up at the television. “Tyler Perry’s House of Payne is on. I suppose we could watch that.”
Thankfully, at that moment Dr. Doctor Girlfriend appeared in front of them.
“BabyFriday? The Kelburrows?” She called out.
They quickly jumped to their feet, scattering chocolate pie crumbs, as they ran over to her. “What’s going on? Do you have good news?” BabyFriday asked, hopefully.
“Mostly good.” Dr. Doctor Girlfriend smiled. “It appears that there was not any serious brain damage, which means, although your husband’s memory is still compromised, there is a possibility that he will regain and remember much if not all of his previous life.”
BabyFriday squeed with joy as she leapt up and hugged Dr. Doctor Girlfriend.
“That’s the best news! Thank you so much!” She grabbed The Kelburrows in the hug and began to jump up and down.
Dr. Doctor Girlfriend extracted herself from the hug party. “Don’t be too overexcited. There is still a chance he may never remember anything.”
“But there’s a chance he will! When can I see him?”
“You can see him now, if you like.”
Dr. Doctor Girlfriend led the way through the double doors into Teacherman’s waiting room. He looked considerably better than the last time they had seen him. His face was clean, his moustache trimmed, and a fresh bandage had been put on his head. A smile slowly crept across his face when he saw them.
“You… You’re my wife, aren’t you? You’re… BabyFriday?”
At this, BabyFriday burst into tears and ran over to the bed, embracing him tightly. “Yes! Yes! It’s me! You’re ok!”
Teacherman winced as she squeezed him.
“Not so hard, please. I’m still mostly broken.” He looked into her eyes. “The doctors told me I may be able to get my memory back. I remember some things. But… I’m sorry.”
She stopped him from speaking by shoving a finger onto his mouth.
“Shhh. It’s ok. We will work together. We’ll get you remembering.”
Two hours later, after filling out the necessary discharge paperwork, BabyFriday, Teacherman, and The Kelburrows were in a car, driving home, singing “I Can’t Stop Loving You.” Curiously, Teacherman knew all of the words. Before they had time to react, a motorcycle that had been travelling in the opposite direction decided to pass the car in front of it, nearly colliding with them. The Kelburrows slammed on the breaks.
“What in the Criminy Jeep Jorps was that?” She exclaimed.
“The Kelburrows! Language!” BabyFriday admonished.
“Sorry, BabyFriday. But that motorcycle guy almost hit us. He must be going somewhere in a hurry.”
Just Desserts managed a quick glance behind him as he sped on his motorcycle, hoping he didn’t just cause an accident. An accident takes time, and time was one thing he didn’t have.


  1. JD! Look twice, save a life!

    Another excellent installment.

  2. Don't know why, butI like that Kel would describe someone riding on a motorcycle as "that motorcycle guy."

  3. "If I remember my Bear Grylls correctly..." I am going to try to use this line IRL.

  4. The Kelburrows "going on runs for chocolate pie"? Pie? PIE?!? Say it ain't so!!!